Satire Saturday

Become a Great Man

The Great Man Syndrome

Travis Joseph Rodgers

You have the keys to the door; the place is empty, the lights are off. Now you wander through the main hall. There are Michael Jackson, Jack the Ripper, President Reagan, Sylvester Stallone, Muhammad Ali, Adolf Hitler. You are alone with all these men, waxy-faced, unmoving, each one a superstar.

-Tama Janowitz, You and the Boss, 41.

You Can Become a Great Man

As an ethicist, I feel the force of the criticism that philosophy often falls short of giving concrete advice about how to live a better life. Because of this, I read a lot of self-help books. My goal is to find sound empirical bases for advice where that advice is also situated in a plausible philosophical picture. There’s one increasingly popular sort of self-help work that really bothers me because it commits many fallacies along the way to making its point. It preys on those who want to live a better life but don’t (yet) have a firm understanding of philosophy, a clear sense of their place in the world, and, apparently, the self-confidence to make the most of their talents. Here’s the general structure of this band of self-help. I’ll call it the Great Man Syndrome.

Step 1: Identify a Great Deed

Wow your audience with the sheer magnitude of some achievement. Aim for something huge in scale. Conquering nations, especially when outnumbered, is a good place to start. Did Julius Caesar’s troops eliminate more than a million opposing troops? Maybe, but make sure your reader knows how low the total world population was then, compared to now. As a percentage of world population, the numbers are staggering. Did Leonidas make a valiant stand with 300 men against a million? Doesn’t really matter. Just say it. Stress that they fought with their teeth when their weapons were broken.

If you cannot find an example involving many people, you can go for other large numbers. Scaling a tall mountain, running a marathon in jorts, holding your breath until permanent tinnitus sets in. These are good candidates. In more contemporary times, making a great deal of money in a short time will do. Seducing many women might work, too, though the jury is still out on that one.

Step 2: Identify a Great Man.

Who could accomplish Great Deeds? Great Men. After discussing the great deed, it’s a good idea to reveal your hero. Name the person who accomplished this great task. If readers are already aware of the person, that’s good. Readers will already have some sense of the awesomeness of that person. In fact, sometimes all they will know is that the person is great. So, make your reveal big.

Alexander the Great? He was great. So, apparently were Charlemagne, Alfred, Ashoka, Cnut, Cyrus, Darius, Frederick, and two Mithridates. William the Conqueror? We can guess what he did. Richard the Lionheart? That just sounds cool. And it's really hard to outdo Commodous's fully stylized titles: Lucius Aelius Aurelius Commodus Augustus Herculeus Romanus Exsuperatorius Amazonius Invictus Felix Pius.

In present times, it’s harder to find titles like this outside government and academics. Some of the more bombastic titles still don’t hit as hard as the ancient ones did. For instance, Oriel College (Oxford) has "The Nolloth Professor of the Philosophy of the Christian Religion." That’s cool, but I don’t know if even it screams Great. Some tech jobs have titles like “Content Hero.” I guess that’s the digital equivalent.

It’s not just about the title. What you’re trying to do here is to show that people who do Great Deeds are thereby Great Men. Behind every Great Deed is a Great Man. You may wonder whether they really have to be men. I suppose they don’t, but don’t talk too much about non-men. That’s not what your peers are looking for.

Step 3: Claim that the Great Man is a Moral Exemplar.

What can we learn from Great Men? Apparently, everything. Not just genocide. Not just swordplay. Not just doing a ton of pullups nonstop. You can learn how to run a company by examining the leadership skills of Atilla the Hun. Sun Tzu would be a skilled entrepreneur in today’s market. You can learn from his writings. Masters of Kenjutsu are probably good businessmen, too. Navy SEALs can help you get your life in order and salvage your relationships.

In short, your Great Man is someone you should strive to be like, in every way. Okay, maybe that’s too much. But you can learn lessons from all these Great Men that apply to important aspects of your life. All these Great Men can help you become a Great(er) Man.

Step 4: Suggest the reader should try to be more like the Great Man.

Now, if you’ve made it this far, you know what a Great Deed is. You know what a Great Man is (anyone who accomplishes Great Deeds). You know that they hold the key for your self-improvement. Just be like those Great Men! Pick up a sword. Gain a political position. Smash your enemies. Sit back and count the money.